Like mid-2000s digicams and Labubu dolls, limerence seems to be all the rage these days on TikTok. The term, which has only existed for a few decades, has taken on a life of its own and is used to describe a powerful infatuation with another. Though, what does it really mean? It sounds a lot like a crush or love. Nope. It’s when someone goes a step further and crosses  the line into an unhealthy obsession.

What is Limerence, Really?

Limerence could be described as an obsessive love disorder.  It is a term coined by the famed psychologist Dorothy Tennov in her book “Love and Limerence.” In her words, she explains that “to be in a state of limerence is to feel what is usually termed ‘being in love.'” While it’s understandable to equate limerence with that feeling you get when you first fall for someone and they fall for you, limerence is often a one-way road, though not always. A limerent object could also be a sexual partner who perhaps doesn’t reciprocate the romantic love sought by the limerent person.

Limerence has been characterized as an intense infatuation for another person. Those in a limerent state crave reciprocation from the object of desire, and their emotional well-being can be affected by the limerent object’s perceived feeling or actions. For example, a harmless bit of small talk in an elevator that presumably means nothing. Such “positive” conversations or moments where it seems like the other person is reciprocating can make the person experiencing limerence feel like they’re walking on air.

While limerence sounds like a harmless crush, it can make people act differently and affect their mental state. When the other person doesn’t reciprocate or chooses to reject the limerent person, feelings of depression can arise. It’s for that reason that limerence is different from a simple crush. Unlike love, which involves caring for the other person’s well-being, limerence tends to center more on the need for validation and reciprocation.

Am I experiencing Limerence?

With how trendy “limerence” has become recently, it’s normal to think you may be experiencing this, especially if you have a crush. If you’re experiencing any of the signs described in the section above, you might be experiencing limerence. However, another tell-tale sign is having intrusive thoughts about a person or obsessing so much that you put other parts of your life on the back burner, such as work or time with friends and family.

Limerence can also be linked to your mental health. Those with depression can be more susceptible to feelings of rejection, which can lead to a spiral when a limerent object doesn’t reciprocate. Those with borderline personality disorder (BPD) may be more prone to experience limerence due to a symptom known as splitting, wherein a person with BPD can overlook all the negatives to see only the positives and vice versa.  Other mental illnesses may also exacerbate symptoms of limerence or make limerence more likely to happen, though it varies.

How to Cope with Limerence

Dealing with limerence can be hard to deal with emotionally, and while it’s different for everyone, the roller coaster of feelings can become exhausting. The good news is that limerence can be worked through with self-awareness, mindfulness, and therapy – to name a few of the methods that work best.

Realizing that the feelings you have for someone are one-sided and unlikely to be reciprocated is a strong first step. Imagining yourself with the limerent object feeds the fire of your obsession; when that stops, you can begin to move on.

What’s important is that you understand these feelings are normal. Limerence can happen to anyone, and having those feelings about another person is normal. The initial feelings are often involuntary and can’t be helped, but you don’t have to be a prisoner to those thoughts, either. It’s possible to work through limerent feelings by working on yourself and using whichever tools you find most helpful, such as journaling or therapy.

If you feel overwhelmed and want to talk to someone about your feelings of limerence, text CONNECT to 741741 at anytime for free, confidential mental health support. We are here to help you through this difficult time.

__

Additional Information – Limerence in Literature

There are many books on limerence out there, but you have to start at the beginning with “Love and Limerence” by Dorothy Tennov, which is the seminal text on the subject. For other books specifically on the subject of limerence, this carefully curated list of books on Goodreads is worth checking out.

The term “limerence” may have only been coined in the 1970s, but unrequited love has long been a subject of great fiction novels. F. Scott Fitzgerald’s “The Great Gatsby” could be interpreted as a cautionary tale of what can transpire when limerence is taken to the extreme. Ernest Hemingway’s “The Sun Also Rises,” which takes place across Europe in the 1920s, involves several men seemingly experiencing limerence for the same woman. And finally, there is Junot Diaz’s heartbreaking contemporary masterpiece, and Pulitzer Prize-winning novel, “The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao,” in which the protagonist, who has various limerent objects throughout his life, deals with limerence in ways harmful to his mental and physical health.